I had a meltdown today. It’s not the first, obviously, I’m a Mother. However, it is the first time I cried, really cried, and my 10-year-old son saw me. I guess he now knows I’m not Super Woman and his mom is truly human. I figured it could be worse, he could’ve seen me crying with a bottle of vodka in my hands. Lucky for me, I don’t drink. Sometimes though, motherhood drives me to want to drink. I know better. I used to do that and then feel like shit the next day, which is why I no longer reach for a glass, bottle or box of wine.
He looked a little frightened a first. Since his father is working in another state for the next two months, he couldn’t run to him, so instead he ran to me and asked if he could help me do the dishes (yes, I was crying at the kitchen sink while washing the pile of dishes by hand because the dishwasher was full and I was too annoyed to empty the clean dishes.) We quietly washed and dried side by side.
He ran upstairs to watch t.v andI reached for the phone and called a friend. I cried to her that I was drowning and needed not just a life jacket, but a life boat. I felt overwhelmed, aggravated, annoyed and depleted and under appreciated. I feel like I’m always taking care of everyone else and I have no one taking care of me. Yes, it was a “poor me” moment and It’s been a long time coming. I needed time alone, time to clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, do the laundry and organize the multiple piles of papers that are surrounding me like hungry wolves.
I like to consider myself a tough cookie, however, ever since motherhood, I seem to crumble more often than not. I think most mothers have had their fair share of mommy meltdowns but most of us don’t openly discuss it. It seems putting on a fake front, a facade makes keeping up with the Jones’ a lot easier.
I’m here to confess that I had a “Triple M” moment – a miserable mommy meltdown and I want to share it with whomever will read this posting. Personally, I think more moms need to share with other moms not only the good times but the really shitty one’s too. It’s what makes us human and vulnerable. We can feel like we’re not alone and it happens to most of us. I’ve found when I let my guard down and show my vulnerable side, I not only allow my fellow moms to do the same but I feel better because they reveal their fears, challenges and similar feelings of despair. Honestly, I feel like motherhood, at times, can be a thankless job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my wonderful husband and child, but that doesn’t mean I have to deny my feelings when my plate starts getting full and I’m feeling completely overwhelmed. I’m only human and by no means perfect. Everything seems magnified when my husband leaves town for work for weeks, sometimes months at a time. I admire those of you who are full- time, single parents. It’s definitely more manageable with a partner.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: YOU are not alone! We all have shitty days and it’s perfectly normal and expected. We must give ourselves permission to crumble because being a full time mom is one of the hardest (and most rewarding) jobs in the world. So pat yourself on the back, do something nice for yourself and reach out to your closest friends. Be completely open and honest when they ask, “How are you?” Don’t be afraid to admit the truth; you may be giving them permission to be vulnerable too.
How are you really feeling today? I’d love to hear from you.
Peace, love and laughter,