Guilty Pleasure

My bi-monthly “People” magazine arrived at my doorstep today via my peppy, Vietnamese mail carrier, Phong. Like I always do, I swiftly swept it up, like a warm puppy, clutched it tightly to my chest and settled down into my over-sized, comfy chair and began my wicked escape to the voyeuristic pages of my guilty pleasure, “People.”

After quickly scanning the front page headlines about Brad being there for Angie and her elected double mastectomy and the terror that ravaged Moore, Oklahoma, I turned the cover page. There he was, a naked Italian man, alone, draped in only a checkered picnic table cloth. A nearby picnic basket and a long, hard baguette nestled ever so perfectly amongst a satisfying bunch of perfectly juicy green grapes, while a bottle of red lingered. There were mini toasts with tomatoes and cheese on the side, clearly he was hoping for company. It was an invitation I couldn’t resist fantasizing about.

Obviously, the advertising company for “Kraft” salad dressing was thinking of us, the tired, overworked, sex starved housewives and mothers who are desperately seeking a little tantalizingly, spicy lift in our day. A zesty and stimulating photo, advertising salad dressing, grabbed my attention and BAM…..there he was to move my imagination and caress my inner thighs, even if it was only mentally.

I sat there, first dazed and surprised to see the two page full spread, then I gazed at every inch of the lithe, Italian man lying there on a picnic blanket. Bravo “Kraft!” They hooked me, reeled me in and forced me to ask the question, “I wonder who he is and why he’s lying semi naked between my “People” magazine pages? The bottle of zesty Italian salad dressing was so small against his well built, dark, handsome frame, I barely noticed it; It didn’t divert my attention away from the main course. Even the website was clever,

Not only did the ad “get me zesty,” I felt like dribbling this man across my kale, while feasting on the long, hard, crunchy baguette and succulent grapes. I wanted him to pour some zesty Italian on me. But I digress, I then had the immediate urge and sensation to… share. I snapped a perfect picture and posted it to my Facebook page and the comments came flying in. One mommy friend wrote, “I feel like having a salad” another one wrote “baguette anyone?” and “I’d like to eat off his abs.”

Will bottles of Kraft” Zesty Italian fly off the shelves? Who knows and only Kraft cares.
All I know is this, the advertisement became my guilty pleasure, tickling my funny bone, teasing my imagination and turning up the heat under my hot pot and…..I liked it.

What’s your guilty pleasure?

My kid hates to sleep

I love to sleep. I will go so far as to say I even love sleep more than eating chocolate. Why then, did I get a child that absolutely abhors sleeping? I feel like the past 8 yearsof my life, I’ve been tormented trying to get my child to sleep. When he was an infant I had to swaddle him tightly and put him in the swing or bounce him on an exercise ball and when that didn’t work, I’d strap him in his car seat and we would go for a ride, a VERY long ride. If I could still do that, I would.Just when I think my eight-year-old is ready to fall asleep, he has to: go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, get something to eat, get another drink of water and stall another 30 minutes. The guy who wrote the book “Go the F%#@& to sleep” couldn’t have said it more perfectly.

© 2017 Andi Wagner
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